this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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