I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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