piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
