i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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