I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
