i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
