Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I love you.
Bad choice
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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