We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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