Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
