can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
