Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
