I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Do vagina's smell?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
