i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
