I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
