dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
