just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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