you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
