my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
