and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize