I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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