So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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