Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
