our cab driver is having phone sex.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize