Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
