Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
