So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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