I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
