Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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