Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
