I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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