this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
