way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
