they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
