dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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