Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
