Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
