so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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