You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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