dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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