In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
