Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
