just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
