yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize