Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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