So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The cops high fived after they tackled you
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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