no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Man, jail baloney is awful.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
