you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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