Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize