apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
