After last night, I could never be a politician.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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