I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
