I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
