this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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