I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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