There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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