So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
