in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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