Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
