So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
